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Relationship to be success

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Tips to Trust on Your Feelings

unduhan-93One reason critical thinking books advise their readers to suppress feelings is the assumption that we cannot trust our feelings. Indeed, we sometimes spontaneously trust others only to find out later that we were foxed; we buy too much food when we are hungry; we book a holiday based on pleasant anticipation and later regret it.

Although there may be some truth to the claim that we cannot trust our feelings, suppressing them comes at a cost. As outlined in an earlier blog post, suppression has negative effects on self-control and on stress.

So the question for every critical feeler becomes: Are there instances where we can trust our feelings? If yes, can we develop rules of thumb for when we can trust our feelings and when we cannot? Here are three.

One rule of thumb is that we should take feelings seriously and not suppress them because they might be important signals. A bad conscience might indicate wrongdoing, and fear might signal danger. However, this is not a sufficient reason to trust feelings unconditionally.

A second rule of thumb

The secret to success in relationship

images-40Simone has been dating Jake for several   months. Every time they get together it’s wonderful – he’s sensitive and open, thesex is great. But then he’s gone – no contact for a couple of weeks, then he’s back, two dates nights in the same week, then back a week later, then nothing for 3 weeks. Simone feels like she is on a rollercoaster. She obsesses about him when he’s gone, but is afraid that if she pushes for any regularity or, God forbid, commitment he’ll bolt.

The problem here is that the relationship is Jake’s not Simone’s. He’s setting the pace, the rules of engagement, and she is essentially is taking what she gets. There are a couple of dynamics at work here that are keeping it in this stalemated position.

One is that intermittent reinforcement at play. There is no pattern, Simone is constantly off-balance. Just when she might reach her bottom-line – that Jake is always gone for weeks at a time and she is fed up – he instead shows up. Each time they have two dates in

The cause of Sexual Imperialism

unduhan-92“Me love you long time” is a phrase often used when referring to foreign Asian women and sex.  It may or may not be explicitly associated with illicit sex but the clear underlying message is that the Asian woman’s role is to sexually serve the man.  She is to be docile, unassuming, exotic and demure — yet wildly sexual and uninhibited.  A woman with “slanted eyes and creamy yellow thighs” (lyrics from “Asian Girlz” song) to be tamed and devoured by the white man.

If you ask anyone younger than 30 where the roots are from the line, “Me love you long time”, you’d probably get a blank stare.  They may think it’s just broken English from an Asian women who is truly trying to express genuine affection to someone in English.  The reality is that this phrase, “Me love you long time” is not “I love you” coming out awkwardly in an Asian accent.  Instead, it’s a phrase popularized by Stanley Kubrick’s 1987 movie, Full Metal Jacket, where the line itself is taken from the scene where a Vietnamese woman propositions herself to two American GIs.

The movie’s objective was in capturing

How to Face the Passive or Aggressive Partner In Relationship

Most people are afraid of conflict in their relationships. No one really enjoys getting into arguments with their partner, right? But to some, conflict is more terrifying than to others. A passive-aggressive person is deathly afraid of conflict.

When you’re the partner of someone who behaves passive-aggressively, it can feel like you’re locked in an endless dance of anger and frustration. Over my thirty-five years as a marriage therapist, I’ve tried and tested many ways to resolve conflicts and come up with my battle-tested 7 Steps to Resolving Conflicts with your Passive-Aggressive Partner.

In order for any conflict resolution strategy to work, though, you must come to it from a place of empathy for the person who is passive-aggressive, so first let’s learn a bit about passive-aggression.

Why are passive-aggressive people so afraid of conflict?

Like most emotional responses, our attitudes about conflict begin in our childhood. If the conflict your partner saw at home as a kid involved open expressions of anger—and sometimes violence—your partner’s experience has taught them that conflict means someone will get hurt. If, instead of outward expressions of uncontrolled anger, your partner’s family did the opposite and avoided conflict

What is The Good Relationship For You

Before you even think about dating or moving onto another relationship, you have to take inventory about your last relationship and figure out what worked, what didn’t and what you need to change in the future.  Ten questions to ask to figure out if your relationship was good for you and what you need to do to change it:

1. Safety: Were you physically, mentally, emotionally or verbally harmed? Were there times you were afraid of what your partner would do or say? Were there times you just dreaded seeing this person?

2. Self-esteem: Did you feel guilty, “less-than”, not good enough, not worthy in your relationship? Does your partner or ex partner criticize your behavior, your looks, or any other traits and qualities? Do you own that criticism and internalize it? Do you beat yourself up because of what you’ve done or continue to do? Are you taking the blame for the failures in the relationship? Has your partner broken up with you more than once because you haven’t changed or haven’t changed enough and you’ve been searching for the magic solution to make this person stay once and for all? Have you jumped through

Know more about unconditional love

There is no phrase so misinterpreted as “unconditional love.”  People use it as an excuse to stay in bad relationships or toshame someone into staying in one. They use it for some ideal they chase when they are not even sure what it means. They use it when they say, “I believe inmarriage,” or “I believe in loving someone until they can love themselves.” or “I’m religiousand want to love unconditionally,” or “I can’t say ‘If you do this, I’m out’ because that is not unconditional love.”

Unconditional love REALLY means, “I love you no matter what happens,” NOT “no matter what you do to me.” It means UNDER ANY CONDITION life throws at us.  I promise not to scream at you because I’m having a bad day.  I promise not to look for love elsewhere if you are. I promise not to blame you if we hit the skids.

The original marriage vow ideal is love, honor, and cherish, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.  In other words, the “for richer or poorer….” part means UNDER ANY CONDITION. If we’re rich or we’re poor. If we’re sick or we’re healthy. If the

Fiction and Fact About Online Dating

I began reading, with warm anticipation, The Other Einstein: A Novel, by Marie Benedict. It was loosely based on what little is known about Einstein’s first wife, Mileva Einstein, and her relationship with one of the greatest scientists in history. Benedict’s take on the Einstein story commenced with promise as the two students, Albert and Mileva, began their friendship, their sharing of a passion for science and mathematics (Mileva’s field), and the blossoming of their love. Einstein came across as delightful and eccentric, and unlike many men of his time, not a man who discriminated against intelligent women; quite the reverse in fact. However, in the novel their apparently equal relationship quickly deteriorated when Albert did not include Mileva’s name on his first important papers, in spite of the ‘fact’ that he and Mileva had worked on them together, and indeed that Mileva had apparently contributed more than Albert.

The real facts are that although there has been speculation that she might have contributed something to these papers, the resounding and most parsimonious conclusion is that she did not and could not have contributed in any significant way, in the sense that there is little evidence that

What are you thinking about marriage in little age

This is the first of a two-part blog on how we may unwittingly enable our spouses to be either too responsible, or under-responsible. In Part I, I will focus on how over-responsible spouses play a direct role in allowing their partners to do less, while burdening themselves. In Part II, I will examine the ways in which less responsible spouses put over-responsible mates to work, and the developmental price they pay for their irresponsibility.

It’s alarmingly common to be presented in marital therapy with an over-responsible mate married to an under-responsible one. It’s a dynamic similar too Sager and Hunt’s (1979) parental-childlike relationship. Over-responsible partners are easy to spot. After all, they’ve initiated the therapy. The under-responsible may request treatment but usually under duress from the over-responsible. The over-responsible have a tendency to readself-help books and relentlessly cajole the under-responsible to do the same…which rarely works. The over-responsible aren’t always the bread winners, but many are. They tend to initiate sex…and just about everything else. The over-responsible almost always appear exhausted and exasperated in treatment; by the time they get to my office they are fed up and threatening separation or divorce.

The over-responsible have plenty

Online Dating Tips

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and conventional wisdom both suggest that love is a fundamental human need. Most people meet their significant others through their social circles or work/school functions. However, these pools can be relatively shallow. In the search for a potential date, more and more people are switching to less traditional methods.

Online dating is really popular. Using the internet is really popular. A survey conducted in 2013 found that 77% of people considered it “very important” to have their smartphones with them at all times. With the rise and rise of apps like Tinder (and the various copycat models) who could blame them.  If you want to think about dating as a numbers game (and apparently many people do), you could probably swipe left/right between 10 – 100 times in the span of time that it would take you to interact with one potential date in ‘real-life’.

With the popularity of sites like eHarmony,, OKcupid  and literally thousands of similar others, the stigma of online dating has diminished considerably in the last decade. More and more of us insist on outsourcing our love-lives to spreadsheets and algorithms. According to the Pew Research Center, the

Why you must choose about divorce

So, you’re back from summer vacation; you’ve returned to work, and the kids are back in school? Well, beware: You might be headed for a divorce!  It’s true new research finds that divorces tend to rise following vacations.

This study, from the University of Washington, discovered that divorce is seasonal during the periods following both winter and summer vacations. That suggests divorce might be driven by a “domestic ritual” calendar that governs family behavior. And more specifically, that vacations may exacerbate underlying tensions and conflict for couples.

The study was presented at the Annual Meeting of the American Sociological Association by researchers Julie Brines and Brian Serafini. According to a summary of the research, they found divorce consistently peaks during the months of August and March – times that follow winter and summer holidays.

In the research summary, Brines reported that troubled couples may see the holidays as a time to mend relationships; and they might believe that if they have a happy time “away from it all,” then everything will be fixed and their lives will improve.

But in reality, those vacation periods and time off can be both emotionally charged and stressful for many. And, that may expose cracks in a

Know the mistake for your relationship

So fragile, yet lovely; this is the most fitting definition to any relationship, be it marriage, romance or living together. No one is perfect in the world, at least when it comes to relationships. People often commit mistakes. It is a common rule referring the human behavior that men learn from mistakes. But at the same time, some mistakes, if committed may cause irreparable damage to relationships and life itself.

It is always advisable to avoid relationship mistakes as relationships are union of two people; thus a mistake committed may affect both of them. Certain mistakes may lead to unfixable breakups and being sorry after committing a mistake may not help regaining the trust and love of the person. Let us see some of the most common mistakes people commit when they are in relationships.

Losing Control

If you want to sustain the relationship further or for the lifetime, be in control of yourself. Many people lose control easily, especially with the life partner. Marriage or mutual agreement of getting into relationship is not a license to express as you feel it. Losing control is a

Why you choose single

Irrespective of the dictums outlined in religious texts and principles about the importance of marriage; the decision whether to go in for one or to remain single is essentially personal in nature where the questions of scriptures or rules of theologians should not come into play. This is particularly true of the current situation marked by extremes of stress, strain and struggle; in spite of all its techno savvy benefits.

  • With much thrust upon competition and rat race; a man’s common place existence is one of extreme struggle and strain. This in turn is working havoc on marital and other relationships based on close bonding and trustfulness. Sometimes the sheer apprehension that things may not work out fine on home front has compelled people desirous of climbing up the social order to stay single.
  • People with a sharp or obsessive focus on career and personal growth often prefer staying single rather than bracing up to the duties and obligations of marriage. Paucity of time and personal inability to share and care keep them away from relationships and marriage.

    Other than social and economic factors, there are people who preferred singularity over marital status on

Broken on your relationship is never

Relationships are so delicate and can break on minor issues and simple misunderstandings. Once broken, it is a die-hard task to mend the relationship and get back the same intensity of affection in the relationship. There can be visible reasons, may be a misunderstanding or communication gap, at times it can be a mistake of someone else; fragile relationships can break over any simple cause. The cause for the easy breaks in relationships is that relationships are mind products, subjective to each person.

Many relationships are not the union of best possible matches but best available pairs, or when people misconceive the partner so. Relationships start blindly by peripheral understandings and attraction; it proceeds through adjustments, forgiveness and understanding; and breakup over misunderstandings, mistakes or lack of tolerance. Getting back into the relationship, though difficult, is possible if approached the issues with the right understanding and mind to change and mend.

Understand the Reasons Behind Breakup

To resolve any issue, understanding the reasons is important. Without knowing the root cause, relationship issues cannot be repaired. It can be a past reason which is now absent or

Great tips for relationship

Relationships like marriage, romance, live together or any of similar kinds can be sustained with a happy note if some of the secret rules are followed. Relationship is completely subjective and no clear cut rules can be executed on it, yet following certain guidelines may help proceeding happily in a relationship.

Many of these, so called, rules are based on the life experience of many happy couple and also the observation of people. When two people get into relationships, many of them wish for lasting relationships. But pathetically, a good number of them go apart after a while, in search of new partners. Let us see the secrets that constitute long lasting relationships or ever remaining relationships.

Breakup and Divorce are not the Solution

When asked about the best possible way of resolving the issues in relationships or marriage, many people may comment that breakup or a divorce is the best possible method of putting an end to all the troubles in a relationships. It is the biggest mistake people commit.

The reason for increased divorce rate is analyzed as the mentality of people who

How to Committed On Your Relationship

“Commitment” is considered to be a very important and mature aspect of a man woman relationship. It is considered to be the culmination of a love relationship between two individuals which signifies that the people involved in the relationship love, sacrifice, understand and are ready to spend their whole life with each other. Commitment basically means a decision making procedure in a person’s life where he/she chooses the person he/she loves most as a life partner. Commitment needs to be displayed by both the individuals to make any sense of the word. The benefits of a committed relationship are many as it gives your life stability, resilience and belief making it healthy and beautiful.

There are a few ways which can be tread to develop a strong and committed relationship. You can give a chance to these tips listed below and definitely can enjoy the blessings of life in the companionship of the person you love the most.

Be clear to yourself

It is very important to have a clear conscience. You need to be absolutely clear in your mind about the love of a person you are going to be committed